Saturday, August 19, 2006

The Fall Of The Soy Milkers

by Matthew Sanborn Smith

It all started up with Pa losin' his left arm when the cow exploded. They said Carmelita was blowed up by terrorists from the Soy Milk Association who'd been in a tizzy ever since, through the miracles of modern day genetic manipulation, we was able to build a cow that was ninety percent udder. I seen the explosion and later on, whenever Pa complained about his gone arm, I'd say, "Well, Pa, I seen it happen and as slick as them soy milk people are, you was lucky you didn't lose that piece of upper, upper shoulder that Doc Opret was able to save." And when he realized he could beat me just as well with one arm, he seemed to be agreeable. I even got his revenge for him on top a' that.

Cuz you see, them soy milkers had stuck tiny pieces a' that bomb all over the grass. When Carmelita finally ate em all up, well they knitted theyselves together inside her and settled down near the bottom of her udder, and when Pa gave a tug for milk, it was like pullin' a pin out of a old-fashion hand grenade. It was damn near genius the way they pulled it off. I said to them soy milkers, "You people oughtta get outta the soy milkin' business and get into the cow-blowin'-up business cuz you finally found somethin' you're good at."

So they did. And then they went belly-up broke cuz about the only people that was interested in cow-blowin'-up was the soy milkers and they was all gone. Sure there was a couple a' chicken lovers that'd hire em but there wasn't hardly any a' them no longer since all the chickens had been blowed up by the Soy Chicken Association which was a much more together organization.


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