by Matthew Sanborn Smith
When Frank discovered that the human body was about sixty percent water, he had faucets installed. Then he drank enough water to bring it up to about sixty-two percent. When he went to bed, he turned off the flow from both hips and one shoulder so his legs and left arm shut off. The bed seemed much roomier, but it only reinforced his loneliness.
Frank went to the beach the next day and increased the flow to his limbs and chest, reduced it to his gut and butt until he almost passed for being in shape. Women spoke to him, they laughed at his jokes, everything was right with the world. A movie producer offered him a job in a porno movie. It was his dream come true and he jumped at the offer.
He turned the hose spigot in the old crotchal area to give himself a couple extra inches, and a star was born. Frank had incredible staying power, being able to literally turn himself off at a second's notice. When the time came for the big finale, he got so excited he broke the spigot and ejaculated his entire body. Frank would never know that this single scene would make him a legend in the adult film industry and earn him truckloads of posthumous awards.
When the director yelled cut, the only sound among the horrified actresses was the clanking of brass and chrome water fixtures hitting the floor.