I Like It Rough

This is a post about wiping my ass.

I must be the only person in the world who doesn't like soft toilet paper. I like it thin and tough with lots of paper on the roll. For over ten years Big Roll toilet paper was my favorite brand. It met all my requirements and it was cheap too. It was a Walgreens brand and I would shop at Walgreens for toilet paper and nothing else. I would go out of my way to buy their stuff.

Bastard companies often cheap out on their products to sell you less of something at the same price, rather than selling you the same amount for a higher price, hoping you won't notice. I didn't gripe too much when they took a roll that was 4.5 inches wide and quietly made it 4.05 inches wide. I did notice what you did though, bastard Walgreens, don't think I didn't. But now they've gone soft and I'm through with Walgreens and Big Roll. For now I'm buying something I like even less than the new Big Roll because I'm pissed at them. I won't even tag this post because I don't want to give them any more attention than I've already given them.

I will find the right toilet paper for me. I might have to buy industrial stuff that's used in public bathrooms by the case. So be it. Think of me the next time you wipe. If you've read this far, I know you will.

This is the kind of thing that gets me blogging again.

It's Pie, Wiv Chips, For Free

Been away too long. But I've been writing. I was frozen up for the last couple of days. Then I decided to call the story I'm working on a first draft, start work on the second draft and now everything's flowing like I swallowed a bottle of cod liver oil. The story is called The World Tree House.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmiK7cIx-pU

115

Thank You, Mr. Goldman went out the door yesterday, 115.

You can read my first Outshine story here http://twitter.com/Outshine. It ran July 11th, 2009, in case you're reading this a long time after the fact.

114

114 is called The Eighth Age.

One Of My Favorite Things In Life

I saw this ten years ago, loved it, and saw it again today and still love it. It's stuck with me all this time. I told the boy about it years ago, we often say it and he saw it for the first time today and he also loves it.

So.

I've loved it long enough that I can declare this one of my favorite things in life. If I ever have a deathbed and I'm asked "What was best about your life?" this is one of the things that I will say:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApmvDU5RmyY

Destino

This is wonderful. Thanks to Neatorama and Monsters and Rockets for turning me onto this. And thanks to all of the creators who were involved in this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWG4n8Awdig

The A Hole Tastes Funny

Tell me about it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmpisOn4FmE

Ugh!

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you again, faithful blog. The last two weeks have been tough. I have been getting some writing done though. Some quick points:

Dad's home at my brother's house. We're all going to be taking turns helping him through the day.

I finished a first draft of a story today. The working title is "Thank You, Mr. Goldman."

I haven't even begun to read stories for the next Fiction Crawler and it really should have been completed by now. Gads!

Got two hours of sleep last night, thanks to Monday morning and my crappy dog. Grrr.

I saw the documentary "Dreams with Sharp Teeth" the other night. Wonderful. I love Harlan Ellison. More details on that (the movie, not my love) another time.

That's it. Hope to talk to you all tomorrow!

More Dad Stuff

Thanks to everyone for their well-wishes and good thoughts. From what I heard the other day, Dad's days were numbered, but I saw him today and he looked great. He may be released from the hospital tomorrow because they say there's nothing more they can do for him. I think this got him excited. He ate today and walked and had a bit of physical therapy. He was wide-eyed and swearing up a storm this evening. As I've said, this certainly isn't the first time he was supposed to die but decided not to. My brother said that seventeen years ago a doctor told us that Dad had six months to live.

In fact he did live six months. And sixteen and a half dozen more. And we're still counting.

The Dot and the Line

I think Dad's ready for the end, but to his disappointment he's too healthy and will pull through as he always does. He seems to be getting stronger. Today he was eating a lot more, talking a lot more and joking. I suspect he'll be back to work in a couple of weeks, mining uranium. His pick glows in anticipation.

I just listened to Will You be an Astronaut by Greg van Eekhout on Escape pod:
http://escapepod.org/2009/06/05/episode-202-will-you-be-an-astronaut/

And if you listen to the story, you may learn why it reminded me of The Dot and the Line: A Romance in Lower Mathematics.

Cable television in the seventies was a wondrous, magical thing. There were still only a handful of channels, but for those of who grew up with only four, twenty or so channels brought a cornucopia of entertainment into our lives. I remember Channel 27 fondly. You could watch Batman on 27! Five days a week! And Batman, yes, Adam West's Batman, was the greatest thing on television.

On Saturdays, Channel 56 ran "The Creature Double Feature," two monster movies back to back, everything and anything from The Phantom of the Opera to Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. Later, at 4:30 Channel 27 ran a Charlie Chan film, then at 6:00 an Abbott and Costello film (those guys made a hell of a lot of films), then at 7:30 they'd run a half hour of classic Looney Tunes shorts. These guys OWNED my tubby little couch potato ass.

Sundays were a mixed bag. 56 ran movies at 12, 2 and 4. Stuff like Houseboat; Pillow Talk; The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming; that sort of thing. I got some outdoor time on Sundays. Occasionally, a movie would fall short of the two hour mark, even with commercials (remember Ronco Records?), and they'd have to stick a cartoon in to fill the gap. One of those gap-fillers was The Dot and the Line. See? I had a point.

Ivory's at the house today for her Internet fix, so I paused Escape Pod to tell her to look for The Dot and the Line. We found it. Now so have you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmSbdvzbOzY

I Am Not Originally From Kansas

I just saw Dad. He looks much better than he did a few days ago. The Hospital People have been giving him sleeping pills at night and a nurse and my sister have been forcing food down his throat. Food and sleep go a long way toward curing what ails you.

Now, to clear the air, I want everyone to know that I am NOT originally from Kansas. I am not even unoriginally from Kansas. I have not been to Kansas to have gone somewhere else so that I might say, "I just came from Kansas." Not now, not ever.

I have never passed through Kansas on my way to somewhere else. It might take me a moment to find Kansas on a map, EVEN if the word Kansas were printed on it, EVEN if it was a map of only Kansas and nowhere else. In my decades of working with the public, I do not recall ever having met someone who told me they were from Kansas. Nor do I recall ever having watched a sporting event featuring Kansan participation. The only people I've ever seen from Kansas were played by actors who were not from Kansas. No one that I have ever met, heard from, encountered or read about, has ever accused me of originally being from Kansas.

NO
NO KANSAS NO
NO

Any questions?

Loneliness On The Sofa

Just talked to Dad. He still sounds rough but says he's feeling better. The sisters (mine, not his) are heading into town today and tomorrow from Austin and Connecticut. The former wife and I are going to see him tomorrow after work.

Hey! I'm headlining on the Sofa this week on Aural Delights no. 89. Blast off!

http://www.starshipsofa.com/20090617/aural-delights-no-89-matthew-sanborn-smith/

Aural Delights No 89 Matthew Sanborn Smith

Editorial: Forums by Tony C Smith

Flash Fiction: The Git by Jay Lake

Fact: Search Is Too Important To Leave To One Company – Even Google by Cory Doctorow

Fact: Mervyn Peake Part 1 by English Assassin

Main Fiction: The Loneliness of the Long Distance Diplomat by Matthew Sanborn Smith

Fact: Gunfight Intro by Jeff Carlson

New Titles: Edge Of The World, In Ashes Lie, Orphans Triumph

Narrators: JJ Campanella, Paul Caggige, Ray Sizemore

Advertisment: This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com. Download a free audiobook of your choice today at audiblepodcast.com/sofa

Main Fiction first appeared www.bbtmagazine.com

www.starshipsofa.com

Bumpy Roads, Take Me Home

We thought dad might be coming home from the hospital today, but his heartbeat was irregular. He seems to have a cold. That may be because he's weak. He hasn't slept or eaten much for days. Years ago he told me of days of prolonged terror and adrenaline during the war (he was an infantryman in the Pacific in World War II) and I asked him how he was ever able to sleep under those conditions. He said eventually you collapse from exhaustion. So, I'm hoping that he'll get a good sleep tonight because his body isn't capable of staying awake anymore. I think some sleep will do wonders for him.

Thanks to all of you out there who are sending your good thoughts and vibes in our direction. He's a tough old bird who's been at death's door dozens of times and has always pulled out of it. He has an amazing will to live.

My life's been feeling extra lumpy these past few days. Part of that, I think is from working through the weekend. Friday and Saturday are usually extra busy errand days for me and when I pile the job on top of that, I get a bit worn. Mondays and Tuesdays are often rough because I have to get up early and I usually get less than eight hours sleep over that forty-eight hour period. Put it all together and I'm not at my best by Tuesday night.

But Wednesdays and Thursdays?

I'm like a god among men.

Still Kicking

We thought we might lose the old man today. He had a heart attack last night and the docs cut him open (am I sounding Runyonesque?) thinking an artery had re-closed and they'd have to do another bypass, with only a fifty percent chance of survival. What it was was fluid around his heart which they already thought might be there but unrelated to the heart attack. No need to cut further. At any rate, Cliff spits in death's eye once again.

Yay!