EVERYBODY LOVES RAMEN
by Matthew Sanborn Smith
Poor Bjorn. As the only elf-repellent salesperson in a land of elf lovers and respecters he lived on the cheap in a big, big way. He couldn't afford an apartment or a car. About the only thing he could afford was ramen noodles. But Bjorn was a resourceful young man. He built himself a house and a car out of noodles (uncooked, of course). However, he found himself constantly ridiculed by the townsfolk he loved. They called him things like "Noodle Man" and "Soupy" which were pretty lame, but hurt him nonetheless. He constantly received fines and tickets from the authorities for his unsafe construction, but he was at the end of his financial rope anyway. Jail was an improvement.
As Bjorn sat in prison, the mother of all blizzards swept across the country. They lost power and the roads were blocked for weeks and famine set in.
"I can help!" Bjorn said. "If you just let me out!"
"You'd like that, wouldn't you, Noodle Man?" his captors said. "You're just itching to get free so you can build a ramen airplane or something and kill yourself. You just sit there and think about what you've done."
But days after the last can of sardines was finished, Bjorn squeezed his skinny self through the bars and ran home.
"Everyone follow me!" he shouted on the way. Bjorn pushed his car into the volcanic hot spring in the center of town. The people feasted on noodles and when those ran out they threw his house into the spring. Everyone was saved. Bjorn was their hero. Until the snows melted.
"Hey, can I get a lift back to jail?" Bjorn asked everyone.
"Screw you, freeloading Noodle Man!" they said. And Bjorn sank into obscurity once more.
That is, until the elves attacked.