Friday, September 29, 2006

How We Beat The Aliens


HOW WE BEAT THE ALIENS
by Matthew Sanborn Smith

When the Oustratum were about to invade Earth we needed some good ideas and fast. The aliens were the most powerful beings we had ever encountered and we knew we couldn't outgun them. Passive aggression was our only hope. We would bend like the reed so as not to break like the oak. And once our cultures were thoroughly intermingled, clever humanity would destroy the Oustratum from within.

The first days were the hardest. The aliens struck hard, expecting us to put up a real fight. We did have a reputation as one of the fiercest races of the continuum. We could hardly contain ourselves. They destroyed our infrastructures first. Communications, roads, utilities. They were using our old war strategies against us. Quite considerate, if you think about it. We never had to live in fear of surprises.

They destroyed our food and water supplies next. This was going to be tough. The Oustratum actually grew a little nervous at how easily the campaign was going. They nearly shook themselves apart knowing our counterattack could occur at any moment. But we weren't ready for them yet. When the time came, it was going to be sweet.

We nearly lost it when they killed our mothers and aunties right there in front of us. We mentally swore gruesome revenges as they killed our children. They began destroying the rest of us in alphabetical order by the names of our shoe sizes. All the eights went first, then eight and a halves, eighteens, eighteen and a halves, elevens, and so on through the alphabet. Soon we were all dead.

Wait. That's not right. What were we planning to do at this point? We had something. The cultures weren't going to become any more intermingled than they were now, them covering the planet, us being extinct. I swear we had this whole thing thought out. It looked fricking brilliant in the Power Point presentation.

Dammit.

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