by Matthew Sanborn Smith
He (And by “he” I mean me (or perhaps I should (and will) say I (aye(!)))) loved (I just use the past tense here because of story telling convention (not that I’m (as the writer, not the narrator) a slave (watch out, we’re in the middle of a cliché here (Jeez (a euphemism for Jesus (The big (not overweight (at least I don’t think so (It’s not like I ever met him or anything (I mean, we lived nearly two-thousand years apart (Well, one-thousand, nine-hundred, and sixty-nine (don’t think you’re dirty thoughts around here) (1969 (MCMLXIX)) years apart to be exact (Wait, he was born in year one (1 (I)), wasn’t he? Not year zero (They wouldn’t name a year zero (0 (?(The Romans didn’t have a zero (Lousy Romans (Picture me shaking my fist right here (at the Romans)))))) (or would they?) (Comic books have number zeroes though (drives me crazy (and they don’t always come first in the series either (What the hell is that all about anyway?(!)))) don’t they?)) (We had a whole thing about that around two-thousand (2000 (MM)) and two-thousand and one(2001 (: A Space Odyssey (!))(MMI))) so really, we’re talking about one-thousand, nine-hundred, and sixty eight (1968 (MCMLXVIII)) years apart, aren’t we? (And that’s from his birth to mine (rather than his death to my birth (And all of this is giving the church the benefit of the doubt on this calendar thing (Wait a minute, why didn’t they make his birthday January first (1 (Ist) st) instead of December twenty-fifth (25 (XXVth)th? (I mean if you’re going to fuck up the whole calendar, why take half measures?))))) (And I want to be exact))))), but prominent) Christ guy, not the gardener), I like to think I’m a better writer than that)) to convention) not because he (I) doesn’t (don’t) love her in the present (Because he (I) does (do(!))!)) her.