by Matthew Sanborn Smith
The whole thing is quite embarrassing, really, the real cosmology. What happened was that Earth and Air had been going together forever. Well, not forever, but billions of years at least and although they could still stir up some dust, their love lives had sort of dried out. But they knew this other couple, right? A real steamy pair called Water and Fire who wanted to swing. Earth invited them over and they sat on the sectional and watched a John Travolta movie (The one where he dances). Then things got hot and heavy. They tried things they’d never even read about.
Sadly, when they woke up the next morning, they found themselves stuck together, tangled up so deeply with one another that they couldn’t get themselves out of it. Fire had to call out sick from his job and his boss was pissed. Fire was inside Earth, Earth had Water on top of her and Air was wrapped around all of them. It was Naked Twister from Hell. Worse yet, both Earth and Water found themselves pregnant. The babies were born by the thousands and crawled all over their parents without knowing it. The Elements tried hard not to make a noise so the kids wouldn’t catch them in this awkward position.
And so it’s been for a few billion years. Their plan wasn’t perfect, of course. Poor Fire has to come up to breathe every now and again and Earth gets cramps that make her jerk violently. Water’s fat since the pregnancy has jiggled without end. She claims she’s not fat, that it’s just water retention and, well, by definition of her being, she’s right, they can’t argue with that. Air is in such a position that all their movement drives him nuts and he experiences whirlwind orgasms on a regular basis.
He’s a perv.
Of course, the ancient Greeks had the whole thing figured out and later civilizations just laughed at them. But you know how the Greeks were. This theory of everything fit their lifestyles like few others would. A cosmic clusterfuck would have been right up their alley.