Monday, February 04, 2008

Experience Pathetic Doldrums Vicariously Through Me!

No story. I’ve just got unparalleled verbal diarrhea today, I don’t know why. I have a good friend upon whom I often thrust meandering speeches such as this one, in the form of e-mails, but I decided to turn this one into a post to give her a break. Writing e-mails to her is almost like throwing bottled messages into the ocean. She never replies. If I didn’t talk to her outside of e-mail, I’d never know if she’d received them or even if she’s still alive. Still, it’s cathartic and if she deleted the messages before reading them, I’d never know. I’m on vacation this week so I may be posting more stuff like this. I feel like I’m on some sort of writing crack today. I hope it keeps up.

The thing with the stories is, I’d had a streak going from January 1st through the 23rd, one story a day. The first week, my hits broke a record for me, then they went steadily down, so I asked myself why the hell I was doing it. And I stopped. I’ll post stories intermittently now.

Strange things happen when you come back to a part of a story you haven’t looked at in a while. I’m going through my novel and I found this little speech by my main character which makes no sense to me at all. I’m sure it made sense to me when I first wrote it. I’m leaving it as it is for now, hoping I’ll remember or get in the right state of mind to understand it in the future. I made a little comment next to it saying, “What the fuck did I mean by this?”

We haven’t had my preferred type of Ramen noodles in the house in a week or more and I’m going through withdrawals. I may have to drop everything at some point and buy noodles.

There are psychological and relational patterns that run through everyone’s lives. This is a human truth, which I’ve discovered through observation. Take a look at yourself and your co-people in life and you’ll see it too. A person can run the same pattern over and over again throughout their entire lifetime, like hooking up with abusive men again and again, or getting free things from people all the time. I just realized a huge pattern in my own life a couple of weeks ago. It’s almost the theme of my life. Again and again I impress people when they first get to know me and then as time goes on I never live up to that expectation that they have of me and they are inevitably disappointed in me. This makes it easy for me to get a job but difficult for me to get promoted. It happens on a small scale and it’s also the trajectory of my life. I showed huge promise as a kid, and have failed to live up to it. I was aware of this pattern to a smaller degree for years, but it was only recently that I understood how pervasive it was. The first step to breaking a pattern is to recognize it, so I hope I can change it now. This means I’ll have to get better at things as time goes on. That sounds like work. No wonder I haven’t changed yet.

I’m peeing like I’m on a beer binge today. I have to keep drinking so I don’t turn into a giant man-raisin. If I do turn, at least I’ll be sweeter, I guess.

I just got noodles. I saw the cutest kid on the planet at Publix and a bird that flew around inside the store. I hope they don’t have motion detectors, they’re going to have a miserable time tonight if that bird doesn’t leave.

More later, I think.

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