A Diet that Works!

A DIET THAT WORKS!
By Matthew Sanborn Smith

We all lost weight together. It was a backlash against America Twenty-One, when the average weight was six-hundred and thirty-seven pounds and everyone ate Cambodian babies for breakfast. That crisis spurred the eventual embrace of the metric system in the United States. Mildly disgusted with themselves, what Unistatesian didn’t want to tell his friends, “I’m down to two-hundred and ninety kilograms, fatties! What have you done lately?”

After that victory, I’m afraid, real work had to be done. Not exercise, though. Are you kidding? Everyone knew they weren’t fat, they were all just big-boned. Mother had told them as much. Although the ass-bone was never discovered, bone reduction surgeries became the rage. However, as people began inexplicably breaking their bones (and why should that happen? Everyone was much lighter now, weren’t they?), the option of bone replacement became the new fad.

Gross-out, yuchy, organic bones were replaced by carbon fiber tubes. They made bicycle frames out of that stuff and bicycles were light, weren’t they? Well, no one knew for sure because no one had ever been in the physical presence of a real bicycle, but man, it sounded like something someone would say, didn’t it? That was good enough for everyone who couldn’t be bothered to look up such a thing (i.e., everyone).

Having lost so many pounds (metric was somehow forgotten again when measuring weight loss), people found cause for celebration. Finally, they could eat more without all that guilt! With the holidays coming up, they had their brokers double the shipments from Cambodia.