I Want To Hug And Kiss You All

And maybe stick my tongue in your ear. Wait, you should clean that first.

What am I celebrating? Not a thing. Just feeling a bit pervy.

How appropriate. As I'm writing, my wife and son are watching "V for Vendetta" and I'm screwing around using the excellent Firefox plug-in, Stumble Upon, and I find the even more excellent "Politics and the English Language," a magnificent article by George Orwell. Read it here. This is a great guide for any writer and a great guide for those who want to identify political bullshit as it is spoken and written. After reading this article a few years back, Orwell became one of my heroes. If "1984" didn't make it obvious, Orwell knew. He knew how much power words held, and how governments kick us in the balls again and again because they know it and most of us don't. In that book and this article, he's teaching us. Please educate yourself.

Robots Pounding Your Ass Again?

You're not alone . . .

A Scanner Darkly

Saw "A Scanner Darkly" last night. It's been many years since I've read the novel. Although I can't say that Phillip K. Dick has written some of my favorite novels, I can say that he's one of my favorite authors. His ideas are completely trippy. From what I can remember, the film is faithful to the spirit of the book and it has a couple of twists that I don't think were in the novel, but those were good. The drug-induced paranoia is fun fun.

The movie has been criticized as too talky, but I really liked that about the film and I liked the movie in general. The action packed stupidity you see in most science fiction movies is abundant. I'm glad that we get a thought provoking film once or twice a year; It keeps the science fiction readers involved. The rotoscope-style animation was great. The loyal reader of this blog (That's singular because there's only one) may remember that I really liked Linklater's "Waking Life" as well. These movies aren't for everyone, but they are for some of you. If you like one, watch the other. Watch "The Fountain." Watch "Solaris" (either one). Watch "2001," "2010," and for that matter "1984" Send a message that there's a market for science fiction films that aren't necessarily explosion choked action films.

The Onion News Network

I've been a fan of the Onion for years and now they're doing video. Great stuff, highly recommended! Watch here!

Me And All My Bitches

Today, the pug started humping my wife's leg. I didn't even know female dogs did that. So now the home in which I raise my children has descended into a carnival of canine debauchery. These aren't my dogs pictured, but I think my dogs would certainly enjoy their company.

Our Lesbian Dog

After eight years, our mutt has finally discovered who she really is. For the last seven months she's fought constantly with the pug that we bought last summer. That all ended today when she suddenly started licking the pug's vagina. Since that initial encounter early this afternoon, she's gotten more action than I have in the last month. I've had gay dogs before (or at least bisexual males), but this is my first lesbian. She doesn't seem to be very good at love-making yet, since the pug hardly realizes anything's going on, but give her time.

In other news, I just went to the grocery store and heard Rush (Fly by Night) playing on Muzak. On the one hand, I though this was nifty, as Rush is one of my favorite groups. On the other hand, I'm somewhat saddened, because now Rush is considered tame (and lame) enough to be played at the grocery store.

Wasted Days And Wasted Nights

Sorry to get all Freddy Fender on you, but the title describes the last two weeks to a tee. I'm hoping that today's fiesta (or rather siesta) of uselessness has cleaned out my system and I'm ready to become a productive member of society again. I was under this illusion that once I made my first pro sale, something would click in my brain and suddenly I'd be cranking out stories like nobody's business. Didn't happen. I've got to wonder about motivation. What works what doesn't. I admire truly motivated people; they change the world. I've got to wonder what will motivate me for more than a couple of days.

Even A Half Hour Orgasm Would Be An Improvement

I saw a copy of "The One Hour Orgasm" at the store the other week. I think a lot of people look at this and think "Wow, that would be fantastic!" That just goes to show that they haven't thought it out. Imagine being just five minutes into your hour when an electrical fire breaks out. Would you have the presence of mind, sheer muscle control, and lack of shame to wake the kids, get everyone out of the house, call 911 and speak to the authorities, while experiencing your continuous and unrelenting orgasm? I know I wouldn't.

You may have seen films on the greater primates in which the Alpha Male is feared by all until, in the heat of passion with some lady friend, he's unexpectedly clobbered by some little Gamma shit who knows that fighting fair isn't what works for him. What if that noble ape had this book signed to him and partook of its lessons? I guarantee he'd be dead within the first forty-five minutes of orgasm while his fair-weather lackeys gleefully kicked him to the consistency of porridge.

What's a normal orgasm? Fifteen seconds? Maybe twenty? There's a reason we evolved that way. So that our inferiors couldn't steal our wallets, grab a quick bite to eat and buy a gift for their mothers, before returning our maxed out cards right there in front of us and then leaving town, all while we were still cumming our dopamine-soaked brains out. One hour, my friends, would be the complete and utter downfall of our hard won civilization.

And let's not even get into the necessary replenishment of bodily fluids.

54, 55, 56

Just watched "The Sword and the Sorceror" with my wife. I loved it as a kid and, once again, I learned what poor taste I had as a kid. At least we got a few good laughs out of this one. Of all the movies of this genre that we little D&D dweebs ate up, the only one that I still can enjoy is "Conan the Barbarian." True, I haven't seen "Hawk, the Slayer" in a long time, but I'm sure it blows now. I don't need to rescreen it.

I just realized the other day that since I had submitted three of the stories from this blog to an EscapePod flash fiction contest (A contest in which I could have received cash money, had I won, which I didn't), I have stories 54, 55, and 56 in the bag, and that without hardly trying. Now, because everyone always gets this wrong even though it's posted up above, I'll explain it once more:

The One-Thousand refers to my goal of writing and submitting one-thousand stories to people who I think might publish them. They are not necessarily the stories that I have posted on this blog. In fact, only a few of the ones posted here are among the one-thousand. I am now up to story 56, after the addition of "The Golem," "Second-Hand Smoke," and "The Prophecy."

Shit Week

Both literally and figuratively. First off, I've got to tell you guys that the New Year's resolution has been thoroughly blown. I was way behind as it was, but once I sold my story, "Fluff and Buttons on the Teddy Bear Range," a couple of weeks back, I shifted gears and got back to work on my short story, "The Way to His Heart." And I haven't even done anything with that this week, besides add another idea to it. I've gotten no writing done this week and tomorrow may be more of the same. I'll hopefully turn the corner on Sunday.

You Can Stop Being Ware Now

Yeah. I wanted to do a post earlier and call it "Beware The Ides Of March" (because no one has ever thought of that before), but now it's past midnight and it's too late. That's probably for the better. By the way, the ides is the 15th of March, May, July and October and the 13th of the other months, in case you were wondering, and the kalends is the first day of the month. Considering I'm already out of stuff to say, I have no idea with what I was planning to fill that other post.

No Longer Full Of It, Just Feeling Like It.

I'd really like some sort of pain killer right now. This is the first day I went without caffeine in a long time, and I still can't sleep. I'm plenty tired during the day when no one lets me sleep. Come darkness and quiet and there is no rest. I'm up in five and a half hours for my roto-rooter. I'm not the kind of guy who gets nervous over medical things. I'm up partly because of the headache of caffeine withdrawal and partly because of unhappiness that doesn't concern my career for once.

Laxative Of The Gods

Colonoscopy on Wednesday. Please get yourself checked out if you're fifty or more, earlier if you have a family history (Like me. I'm not quite thirty-eight.). I'm not so sure I'll be blogging tomorrow night, because I'll be taking the mother of all laxatives in preparation for this good fun, and from what I hear from those who have gone before me, I'll want to cancel all my appointments.

300 Review In Twenty Seconds Or Less

Very nice to look at, left me emotionally detached, a lot less blood than there should have been (over twenty-thousand people died, historically speaking) but hey, that's Miller's vision. Who'd have thought he'd seem too tame for me? And finally (This one's for Mike): Homoerotic. As it should be.

Good News, Everyone!

Yes, I know the blog has sucked for the last two weeks because the blog was non-existent. Sorry. I'll try to behave from now on. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. I sometimes think I should post every day, but I'd probably be talking about my laundry or something at that point, I don't know. Maybe I'll try it and see if the hits take a dive. Of course, they can't get much lower than they are now.

Good News, Everyone! I've made my first professional sale! It will be posted at chizine.com in April and I'll post a little reminder then.

That's it for now, I've got to get up in four hours (goddamned Daylight Saving Time). Ta-ta!