CRAIG ON WHEELS
by Matthew Sanborn Smith
Craig decided to have his feet removed and get a nice set of wheels installed. Mother was displeased.
"You'll have babies with wheels!"
"Mother, it doesn't work like that," Craig explained.
"How do you know? Have you ever had sex with a woman with wheels?"
"No, but that would be great."
"Stop talking like that in my house!"
"Mother, I can move at like seventy miles an hour now."
"You'll kill yourself! What's next, rakes for hands?"
"Now you're being silly."
"Baby, you have to want more for yourself than wheels for feet. Can you get your feet back?"
"I sold them. There are south Asian children who have lost their feet to landmines and need them."
"Little brown children are going to be running around with your big white feet? What will people think?"
"I think the focus of your concern is starting to wander, Mother."
"How much did you get for them?"
"How much? Three-thousand dollars."
"Is that all?"
"It's a buyer's market right now."
"And how much did those things cost?" she asked, pointing to his wheels.
"Oh my God. Look, you have to take that five hundred dollars and you have to salvage something of this mess you've made of yourself. You have to use it to better yourself."
"I shall, mother."
"What will you do?"
"You'll see." He rolled off into the city and returned hours later.
"What did you do, Craig? A brain implant?"
"Much better than that," he said. He reached down, grabbed his rims, and turned them hard.
"Look at them spin, Mother! Look at them spin!"