Friday, October 27, 2006

The Intro

by Matthew Sanborn Smith

The junior high talent show got Paul all worked up because Janine was going to be in it. She was doing some sort of gymnastics routine. How hot would it be to see her in that tight little red, white, and blue, Mary Lou Retton gymnastics leotard thing? He got to the gym an hour before the show so he could stake out a seat in the middle of the front row. It was general admission (Hey, it's not as if The Who were showing up to play the talent show or anything, but that would be cool, wouldn't it? Not just The Who, but the unbridled chaos in the sea of brown folding chairs!)

Paul had no talent outside of his head but he daydreamed about jumping up onto the stage to do her intro. He'd be wearing a cool green leisure suit with a shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest. He'd be covered in sweat for some reason and spotlights would be roaming wildly across the auditorium while the sound guys would be cranking out that Blues Brothers intro music. He'd be like:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we'd like to welcome you to the Yankerville Junior High School auditorium tonight in beautiful Yankerville, Ohio to witness a spectacle that few on God's green earth have had the privilege to witness: The Amazing Janine Kalzwicki is going to blow your fucking (the faculty would forgive that, because the intro would be so incredible and the f-word would lend even more power to its existing incredibleness) balls (okay, they wouldn't let that one slide too, scratch that. (Scratch balls, HA!)) blow your fucking mind with her flips and horse hopping and ring tossing (what exactly did they do in gymnastics? Didn't matter, he was on a roll) before exploding into a firey inferno that she herself will then step out of (no, that would blow the big finish). Anyway, it'll be awesome! Mere mortals, lean away from the goddess that is Janine!" It would be the most fabulous intro ever given, in fact it would beat the performance itself. She'd want to do him for sure after that one.

Of course, there was no intro. Janine came out and tumbled around and Paul made an ass out of himself applauding and whistling too loudly. He was perturbed that she didn't acknowledge his applause or blow him a kiss. Forget it.

He improved the intro again and again in his room that night as he stared at the grey ceiling. Next year he'd work it so he'd do that intro. It was going to kick ass.

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