Friday, October 20, 2006

Homemade Heroes, Face Three: The Blower

by Matthew Sanborn Smith

The purists didn't really consider him a superhero. The guy had no superpowers or even cool gadgets that simulated super powers. He just ran around in a baseball cap and clobbered people.

It had started at the park where Herbie worked maintenence. A group of rich kids came through one afternoon, tossing their fast food garbage everywhere. By the time the last guy in the group had tossed his cup on the ground, Herbie had taken all that he could take. He charged them without a plan, not even sure why he charged and he swung the only thing available: his leaf blower. He beat the hell out of those kids and ran before the cops showed up.

Herbie knew he couldn't go home. The Toro logo was imprinted backwards on more than one of the kids' foreheads and all the guys he worked with knew he favored the Toro. He decided to take up lurking in the park. His wife didn't like him much anyhow.

Lurking didn't pay much, but there were plenty of partial corn dogs and whole squirrels to eat. Besides, his new lifestyle gave him plenty of time to fight crime.

Eventually, Herbie got caught. Before he was sentenced, the judge was attacked outside of the courtroom by a guy with a weed whacker. Herbie broke away from the deputies that were transporting him back to his cell, grabbed a leaf blower from a nearby landscaper's open trailer, and beat the whacker guy senseless, saving the judge's life.

Well, what could the judge do at this point? He sentenced Herbie to death by lethal injection. After all, the guy couldn't let go of his life of crime, even when he was already in custody. It was better for everyone this way. Especially the park squirrels, whose population increased notably. The partial corn dog population increased as well, because those corn dogs could really get it on when their numbers were threatened. So you see, everyone was happy.

Except that one guy.

No comments: